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Proper installation of xmas-tree

20.12.07 i Diverse

US engineers have issued a drawing in which proper installation of Christmas-tree, fireplace ornaments and other important constructions are set forth. Even though I do not understand everything, I feel it important to spread this drawing, as it will ensure better implementation of Christmas also here in Norway. Please find proper ways to convert silly American measuring into sensible European measuring.

I will present item by item in the drawing, to simplify for a Norwegian audience. Please click on images to enlarge. Enclosed also the drawing in its entirety. Should you have questions, I suggest you direct them to an engineer of your choice. If you do not have access to one, you could try asking Goodwill, who is an excellent engineer and might understand the details better. I will work on calculating the cost.

The tree:

tree.jpg

The fireplace:

fireplace.jpg

Proper placement of tree on floor:

treeplan.jpg

Rooftop installation:

hustak.jpg

Structural notes:

General:

  1. All trees over 6’0″ (1,83 meters) shall comply with the 1998 edition of UBC, CBC, UMC, UPC, all ADA compliance standards, and all restrictions put forth in the project EIR.
  2. Loads:
    Wind load= [90 mph] basic wind speed exposure C
    Seismic load= Zone 4 within 2 km of seismic source B fault
  3. This project requires a class «B» liscence
  4. Christmas tree sprayed with flame retardant, then scented with pine aerosol to hide foul stench of flame retardant.
  5. Extensive seismic studies to be carried out by the contractor to ensure that tree is placed in a geologically secure area.
  6. Installation of this project does not guarantee personal joy, merriment, or other typical emotional feelings of the holidays.
  7. Use of alcoholic beverages may increase overall merriment but should not be consumed until tree is installed and electrical items plugged in.
  8. No duct tape without prior approval by professional elf.

Metal:

  1. Only 8d nails are to be used
  2. All metal braces and clips to be Simpson brand og approved equal and to be inspected by certified P.E. (professional elf)

Concrete:

  1. If concrete is being used then you’ve done something wrong.

Mitigation notes:

  1. Cut tree shall be replaced by native species at 4:1 ratio within 50 feet of original cut tree
  2. Monthly monitoring report to be submitted to ensure a min. 50% survival rate by following holiday.
  3. Monitoring report shall include partridge survey results.
  4. No elves are to be harmed during tree removal, tree construction, and tree rehabilitation.
  5. Contractor to submit reindeer excrement management plan

wholedrawing.jpg

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4 kommentarer

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  1. Goodwill sier:

    First of all, notice the importance of the direction of groundwater flow. If the tree is not placed correctly it will die from thirst. You have to obey it’s thirst or it will die and fall and hit you in your head and make you cry.

    Second, it’s obviously very important not to place the childrens chocolate on the fireplace when there is a fire burning underneath. This will make the chocolate melt and the children cry.

    It is also extremely importan that the stockings are flame retardant. If not there is a great risk that you will be visited by the big red ba-bu-ba-bu-car with the long ladder. The children will love it, until they realize that all the gifts are gone with the flames. Then they will cry again.

    Finally, and most important, is the landing place for the raindeer sleigh. If this is not constructed properly Christmas will be a disaster. Rudolph will not manage to stop, and he will go on to your neighbour instead. They will then get all the gifts that you have asked for Santa to give to your childeren, and they will for sure cry until next Christmas and you will not have a happy new year.

    But i you do your things properly according to this plan, and listen carefully to what the engineers say, everybody will be smiling happily and you will have a very nice Christmas!

    Merry Christmas everybody!

    Goodwill, the engineer :o)

  2. Iskwew sier:

    I knew you would be the engineer to ask for advice, Goodwill! Thank you for your additional and very prudent advice. Crying children at Christmas ww simply cannot have. So keep chocolate, stockings etc. clear of any fireplaces.

    Merry Christmas to you too!

    😀

  3. Marina sier:

    Dere ikke-ingeniører kan le, men resultatet blir mye bedre hvis man lar ingeniørene gjøre jobben, for vi gjør den iallefall skikkelig.
    På jobben et par år siden satte vi opp juletreet i lobbyen til alle kunstens regler: Alle lysene ble tested grundig i laboratoriet, og vi brukte vater til å måle at treet sto rett opp og ned.
    Vi laget tilogmed et dataprogram til å regne ut hvor mye glitter vi burde bruke og den beste avstanden mellom pynten. Resultatet var selvsagt helt perfekt.
    I fjor satte sjefene opp treet, fordi de syntes vi brukte for mye tid (og det var mye å gjøre, noe som gjør at ingeniører har det travelt og sjefer ikke har noe å gjøre. Hmmmm…).
    Resultatet var selvsagt kaos, lysene sprengte to sikringer, pynten falt av når noen kom inn døra i sterk vind, og bikkja til mannen til sekretæren pisset på en av de pent innpakkede tomme pappeskene…

  4. Iskwew sier:

    Jeg tror du har helt rett i at ingeniører med fordel kan sette opp treet, ja! Og du beviser at sjefer bør jobbe mer, så ingeniørene har tid å bruke til viktige saker. Rett og slett.

    *ler*

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